One of the biggest, most common fears families have when choosing home education, and the most frequently asked question is ‘how their child will be socialised?’ or ‘what about socialisation?’
“So, one of the fears of families choosing home education is find friends and develop friendships. What are your experiences of this? Any hints and tips?”
I started writing this blog some time ago after a fellow Home Ed mum posed the question above to our online community as a discussion starter. Since responding with my thoughts (reflected below) Miss M has returned to mainstream school. On the whole it’s been a positive experience for us all. It was her choice, and the big driver was the desire for friendships. That’s not to say she didn’t meet people, mix with other kids or ‘socialise’ while being home educated full time, but that’s different to forming friendships – hopefully these will last the test of time and sustain the pressures of life, but only time will tell.
Having home eding for 3 years I now feel there is a difference between socialisation and friendships. To often I think people can mistakenly talk about the two as a collective. Having three children now school age, I’ve witnessed how their needs as individuals have changed & developed over time. I feel they are definitely linked to their characters, chronological and emotional ages, gender and preferred learning styles.
A quick google search reveals the dictionary definition for socialisation and friendship to be distinctly different. The first is about social norms and fitting into these ‘norms’. The second is a more heartfelt need for us to connect to our fellow humans through relationship and mutual respect.
I’ve witnessed our children grow in confidence to be able to enter any space with a mix of children and adults who they may or may not have previously met. After the initial appropriate hesitation, they are able to engage with others, talk, play and get along. This is the positives of home education. And I remain convinced this is not what mainstream school develops or offers. Now having a child who has returned to the system, I’ve been proud to look on and see how she has navigated this new situation with a confidence her peers in that situation do not appear to overtly possess. Her teachers keep commenting on her courage and confidence, and ability to talk to other, speak up and contribute.
Friendships has been much harder especially for my girls. Having once been a girl myself, and even now as a grown adult I recognise the need and desire to have close friendships with others, especially other females. I think it’s normal for us to want to have a group of people in our lives who we share our worries and concerns, hopes and desires, and the ups and downs of life with. Building these relationships take time. Thats time together connecting and sharing experiences, investing the world, and time the frequency of those interactions. This is the critical element for me.
I don’t believe this is the same as just spending time together in the same place/space with a group your own age or mixed. After all, if it was that easy, as adults we would automatically be ‘friends’ with every colleague our own age. Clearly life, work and society are not structured in that way. The workplace provides adults with the opportunity to socialise and form friendship with a wide range of individuals from a mix of ages, socioeconomic backgrounds and genders.
The opportunity for the deep connections to take place on a regular basis to foster anything other than a passing friendship for my girls has been tricky.
Within the community we live/engage there are not any other girls the same age (chronology or emotional) as my eldest, and a limited number the same age as my middle.
Even when there are children a similar age to yours it doesn’t mean they will necessarily become friends. And the truth is even if they do find someone they could develop a friendship with, maybe you and their parents won’t automatically be connected to one another. Therefore, making time and opportunity for your child to develop that relationship/friendship in reality maybe restricted or not possible.
If you are able to attend regular meet ups with a mix of others who are also commit to attending regular great, but that’s not happened for us on a consistent basis many reasons, some our doing, and some others.
Geography is a genuine issue for those living in more rural communities. I could choose to go to things further a field but it can literally take two to 2 and a half hours to get there. Who wants to travel in a car for that long with 3 kids, not me!
So in conclusion, no I don’t think socialisation is a problem in home educating. I do think helping our kids, and ourselves to form lasting friendships within the community is a challenge. I am however eternally grateful for the lovely women (and men!) I’ve connected with who I call my friends. I wish distance, time and conflicting priorities didn’t prevent us from seeing one another more frequently. But when we do, like any true friendship, it’s like we just left off yesterday.
AdoptionCake 
Thank you for sharing your experience Aliy. I think you expressed well the challenges that people of all ages and circumstances face of building meaningful friendships. I’m glad miss m settling in and shining at school. Send me a text sometime, maybe we can meet before hols are out!
LikeLike